The Chronicles of Princess Mary Sue
by Jessy-Fran
Summary: Princess Yuki Itami Cindy Lou Raven Sparklypooh is a totally normal girl, until she runs away and the Akatsuki kidnap her! Le Gasp! Warning for: Mary-Sue, Out of Character-ness and bad humour. NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I Don't Own Naruto. **But I do own Princess Yuki Itami Cindy Lou Raven Sparklypooh. Kishimoto can swap any time he wants!

**A/N:**As a heads up guys… I. Hate. Mary-Sues. This is NOT meant to be serious but it is also NOT meant to offend anyone. I think that almost everyone has made a Mary-Sue and/or self insert character at some point. Hell knows I have! This is dedicated to all those who want to rip out the spleens of Mary-Sues and shove them down their perfect little throats.

So enjoy the chronicles of Princess Yuki Itami Cindy Lou Raven Sparklypooh! It's gonna be a blast…

* * *

Princess Yuki Itami Cindy Lou Raven Sparklypooh was your average teen ninja. She was of royal lineage and became the ruler of her country at the age of six because her parent had died in a tragic car accident involving a large lorry of ketchup.

She was distantly related to both the Hyuuga and Uchiha clans, thus possessed both the 'Byakugan' and 'Sharingan' eye-techniques. Luckily at the age of seven she had been so severely bullied at the private school she attended she had come up with a completely new jutsu that covered up the eye techniques, so instead her eyes appeared as the most stunning colour of purple you had ever seen. Her hair was golden blonde and cut in a short and punky style with red streaks (Even though, of course this was frowned upon as she was a Princess, but she could over rule anyone who spoke on against her look, since she was royalty after all.)

Okay, maybe she wasn't your average teen ninja.

You could often find her moping around her palace since she never had anything better to do with her time, obviously, complaining about her angst ridden past and how she had no friends. The servants of the palace would often try to console her the best they could but secretly they all thought she was a snotty-faced cow who needed a reality check.

**At the Akatsuki Lair…**

"Right guys… and girl, we've had a tip-off that there is some girl or other that we need to capture." All the members of the Akatsuki sat around the Very Important Meeting table, many of them sporting confused and slightly annoyed faces. Okay, so only Sasori had a slightly annoyed expression, but whose counting?

"Of what good will she be to us?" The Puppet Master asked, not quite understanding the meaning of this meeting.

"Hell if I know, but if we pull this off the contact will pay us. A lot."

"I accept." A gruff voice stated.

"You don't even know who the target is, Kakuzu."

"When money is involved, it doesn't matter." Kakuzu replied nonchalantly, earning him a dig in the ribs from Hidan.

"Bastard money whore…"

"Okay… So it'll be Kakuzu and Hidan. Oh and to shake things up, Deidara and Sasori can go too."

Sasori head shot up from where he'd been previously snoozing again the table.

"What?! ' The hell do we have to go?"

"I'm bored and require entertainment from my minions. Also it's a form of punishment for snoozing during my meeting." Pein countered with a shrug.

"I am the great Akasuna No Sasori. I do not snooze."

A small noise was heard next to him. Everyone turned to see Deidara trying to stifle his giggles but failing miserably.

"Actually Danna, you do snooze." The blonde grinned. "You were also snoozing before when Leader was telling us about the state of the kitchen and that Konan is not 'the hired help', un!"

If he had been anyone else, Sasori's death glare might have actually shut Deidara up, but he wasn't anyone else. He was the puppets partner in crime had had grown immune to the threats and piercing stares.

"And remember the meeting a few weeks ago about not feeding Tobi products with high sugar contents, un?"

"No, I don't…" Sasori could see where this was going.

"That's because you were asleep, un!"

Sasori was about to retaliate but before the two could continue with their bickering and mindless drivel, Pein interrupted them.

"Whether or not Sasori snoozes is of no use to us as the Akatsuki and will not assist in completing the mission." He scanned over the table with his ringed eyes and nodded. Why he nodded was a mystery to the rest of the group but who were they to question the Leader's actions?

"So it's settled? Team Androgynous and the Zombie Twins are to go and capture this girl. Right, you have a week to complete this mission. Go, go Gay-Machine!" And with that passionate cry, the Leader of the Akatsuki disappeared into a poof of smoke.

"Sometimes I seriously worry about that guy…" Kakuzu stated after a moment of silence. A resounding murmur of agreement hummed through the room.

"Hey, at least you're not his partner." Konan groaned, cradling her head in her hands.

**Back with the brat- I mean Princess…**

"Oh my God!" Yuki cried out in absolute indignation, "I _so_ can't believe you just said that!"

A poor lowly servant who didn't get paid enough for what he had to go through was in the middle of delivering a message to the Princess when she interrupted him. Loudly.

"I don't know what you're talking about! I _so_ do not spend too much money on overly provocative clothes and ninja outfits that have no protective qualities!" She pointed at the fishnet 'arm-warmers' she was wearing (although how fishnet was warm, the servant would never know) and screeched, "These are the highest quality arm-warmers available! I _so_ can't see how that is a waste of money!"

Her voice was so high by how it was deafening dogs and awaking the sleeping bats in the trees around her huge, massive, totally enormous house. Which was surrounded by a forest, conveniently located on top of a mountain yet only a five minutes walk from her private beach. Ain't that logical!

"This isn't fair!" She cried. "Nothing has gone right for me since my parents died! How could they leave me alone in such a cruel and uncaring world?!" She ran to her bedroom wailing something about leaving the palace forever and finding her true destiny in life, away from societies influence. Of course, whilst packing she didn't forget to take her MP3 player, filled with the most popular music, a fashion magazine and that volume of manga that her best friend told her was all about "OhMahGawd, ka-why-ee nekos, desu!". This showed her independance and stuff. Or something like that.

The servant merely rolled his eyes. She'd be back in a few days, once her credit card (which totally exist in 'Naruto') max'ed out.

**A/N:** Oh Mah Gawd, like don't you totally love my OC! She so unique and soooooo not a Mary-Sue! And I'm not going to beg for reviews but it would be really nice if you could stroke my already totally inflated ego and tell me how good my Mary-Su-, I mean OC is!


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I Don't Own Naruto.** If I did then Princess Yuki Itami Cindy Lou Raven Sparklypooh would be the main character. Becus she is sooooo AWESOME!!1eleven!

A/N: Okay, so I've learnt that if you put a couple of stupid comments and take the piss out of the dreaded Mary-Sue, you gain a far greater reaction then a 'fic that you actually put some effort into… Ah well, see if I care! :D I do the same! Haha

Thanks for the fabulous reviews guys, I love you all! (Except Umbre, but she won't read this anyway! ;) )

On with the show!

* * *

Princess Yuki Itami Cindy Lou Raven Sparklypooh jumped out of the window of her room in the dead of night. Of course, the 3 storey drop didn't bother her at all because she could fuse a whole bunch of elements together to make crystal wings that sprouted from her back. Amazing chakra control was one of the perks of being a super-genius.

She landed on the ground with the poise of a figure-skater because she was also an Olympic class ice skater too. It had always been one of her many expensive and impossible dreams, along with being a horse trainer and a pilot in the RAF. Unfortunately the duties of being a Princess stopped her from following her dreams and added something else onto her steadily growing list of reasons to be angsty and emo. At least this time it was half justifiable, though.

Allowing the wings to disappear into a million, billion sparkly diamonds, Princess Yuki started on her long journey to the nearest five star hotel. It was two hours away and she simply didn't know if her delicate body would be able to cope the sheer amount of walking she would have to do. You see, because of this weird chakra fusion manipulation thingy and her general 'lying around the palace not doing anything', Princess Yuki had a weak body. Of course, this didn't stop her from owning anyone and everyone in a fight and using up vast amounts of chakra every time she attacked. It meant that if she walked too much or came within 5 feet any sexy looking stranger she fainted on the spot. No, that doesn't make any sense what-so-ever but it doesn't matter because Princess Yuki Itami Cindy Lou Raven Sparklypooh could even change to laws of life, she was so damn fabulous.

Sighing in an overly dramatic way but then realizing that no servants were going to come and carry her bag for her, Princess Yuki wandered of into the dark. On her own. Into a forest. Even though she was a super genius and had watched every episode of –insert generic TV show that involves crime and/or horror film-.

She wasn't doing anything to help fight the 'dumb blonde' stereotype.

**With an Irate Group of Akatsuki Members**

Said group of Akatsuki members were stood on the side of a road, huddled around a handful of papers, containing photos, information and the whereabouts of their target. Nobody liked the look of her and Hidan was especially annoyed.

"'Princess Yuki Itami Cindy Lou Raven Sparklypooh'?!" Hidan screeched (for that is what he does) and looked incredulously at the biography of the girl again.

Kakuzu sighed and nodded, "Yes, what's so wrong about that?"

"Were her parents on fucking crack when they named her? Seriously!" Hidan glared at the name as though it had personally offended him.

"Probably, un. I mean, who in their right mind would call their kid _that_?" Deidara agreed, scowling at the piece of paper. "It's got to be drug induced."

Sasori didn't comment on the name and simply stared at the picture that had fallen out of the bundle of paper in disgust. The photo showed a young girl, no older then sixteen, in some of the skimpiest clothes he had ever seen. That was if you could even call those scraps of material, clothes. Tight fish-net was stretched to breaking point across her body and she posed to the camera in the most provocative way (royally) possible. It screamed 'Myspace Whore!' at him. Finding his voice finally, Sasori spoke.

"She looks like a brat."

"She looks spoilt rotten." Kakuzu snorted, jealously glistening in his eyes.

"She looks like a fucking heathen." Hidan had almost turned green. Jashin forbade the wearing of fish-net, dyed hair and excessive amounts of make-up. Just looking at this photo made him want to sacrifice fourteen virgin maidens to appease his God.

"She looks like a slob, un." Deidara huffed, commenting on the tip of a bedroom visible in the background of the picture.

Sasori glared at Deidara. "That is the most hypocritical sentence to ever grace your mouth, Brat."

"What?! I'm not a slob Danna, un!"

"When was the last time you cleaned your bedroom? It looks like a bombsite!"

"It IS a bomb site, un!"

"Don't get smart with me young man…" Sasori's eyes narrowed dangerously and both Hidan and Kakuzu took a step away from the feuding artists simultaneously.

"Young man?! You're the one who looks like a fifteen year old, un!"

"Well at least I don't act like one." Sasori quickly countered.

Hidan and Kakuzu calmly watched the two artists argue. Hidan couldn't stop smirking at how easily Deidara got riled up and Kakuzu rolled his eyes. They were wasting time and in Kakuzu's world, time meant money.

"Oi, let's get moving. The faster we catch this kid, the faster the money gets transferred to our account." The masked shinobi shouted, turning his back on the fighting duo and walking down the road with a map of the fire country help out in front of him. Deidara and Sasori 'hmph'ed at the same time and turned from each other. Deidara practically ran the Hidan, starting a new conversation with him easily whilst Sasori walked at the back of the group, content with the new situation.

**In a Forest Somewhere…**

"You know… If I didn't know any better I'd say we were going around in circles!" Princess Yuki giggled to her wolf summon, Pik. Pik was a purple furred wolf who had the misfortune to be Princess Yuki's favourite summon. Every time the poor beast was called to his mistress's side, he wonders what sort of degrading task he would be forced to perform. Today it was 'being a body-guard'.

"Erm… That's because we _are_ going in circles, Princess." Pik replied, tired and cranky due to being summoned in the middle of his nap.

"Don't be silly Pik! I know exactly where we are. I'm not a super genius for nothing, ya know!" She giggled that annoying giggle of hers and flounced off in a random direction, ample breasts bouncing along with her. Pik shook his head. _One day I'm gonna rip out her throat… _He thought before following glumly. It was another hour before the two found their way on to a main road.

"Okay Pik! Now that I'm on the main road you can go!" Princess Yuki, dismissed Pik without a second thought and skipped off along the road, a trail of faintly sparkling glitter following her. It was a lovely night to run away from home, she believed. Much better then that one time she had ran away to Amegakure. It didn't stop raining for the whole time sh was there and she had forgotten to pack her hair straighteners. By the time she had been found, her hair looked like a birds nest.

Suddenly she heard footsteps coming closer to her.

"Hey Fuckface! Are you Princess Yuki Ee-tacky Cindy something-or-other Sparkle-shit?" A voice shouted from behind her. She whipped her head around quickly, Sharingan-Byakugan eyes blazing.

Eyes zooming in on the people wearing black cloaks with red clouds, Princess Yuki let a light gasp escape from her plump, pink lips.

"_Akatsuki_!" She whispered under her breath.

* * *

**A/N:** Omg, wot is Princess Yuki gunna doooo?! (And more to the point, what the hell are the Akatsuki gonna do with her?)

Some of you may have noticed that there are two ways that I write in this: The 'Sue-thor' way and the 'JayJay-Chan' way. The 'Sue-thor' is a toned down version of how typical Mary-Sue authors write, and the other is my normal way of writing. This is just so that you know if I say "_Her eyes sparkled with the untold dreams of a thousand years as she gazed dreamily into the sky, the wind catching her flowing locks_", it is essentially sarcasm and is not to be taken seriously!

Reviews help kill Mary-Sues.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I Don't Own Naruto**. Damn and blast. I would make it so damn kick-ass, what with my sexy OC and all...

**A/N:** You guys liked Hidan? Yey, I'm so glad! God I love him to bits… In fact I'm currently writing an AU!Fic with Hidan and Kakuzu. Not sure if it's gonna be BL or just friendship yet (Probably friendship) but it will be up at some point in the future so keep an eye out for it. It's probably gonna be called 'Sin City'. (Yeah, I'm unoriginal.)

Enjoy the continued adventures of Princess Yuki!

* * *

In front of Princess Yuki stood four figures. Well, three were stood but one looked like he was hunched over.

'_Maybe that one is tying his shoes laces' _she briefly thought, until she remembered that ninja shoes didn't have shoes laces. _'Oh, so he's naturally hunched and ugly.' _However, despite being in great danger Princess Yuki flicked her hair out of her face so that it shimmered in the moonlight and scowled at the others. She could feel her magic/chakra/ultra-awesome 'Sue powers beginning to build up at the tips of her fingers. One of her attackers stepped forward and pointed towards her.

"This is the little bitch we're meant to capture?" Hidan looked shocked. "Jashin, I reckon Tobi could put up a better fight then her!"

"Hidan, the papers said that she was a formidable foe and not to take her lightly." Kakuzu growled at his partner. Hidan snorted, showing just what he thought of that.

"Erm, excuse me!" Our fearless protagonist shouted at the angry Jashinist, "I've have a name you know!"

"Yeah I fucking know, you dumb bitch!" Hidan shouted, having to be physically restrained by Kakuzu, "It's the gayest most Jashin-awful name ever to be created!"

"True that, un…" Deidara nodded at Sasori, who merely grunted in response. He was beginning to seriously regret allowing Sir Leader to force him and his partner into this mission. He could be sat in his room right now, working on his puppets, yelling at the brat to turn his music down or poisoning Tobi… God that sounded like Heaven right now.

The girl looked shocked, her mouth hanging open in the most unbecoming of ways and her eyes wide.

"Are you saying you don't like my name…?" She gasped.

Hidan rolled his eyes dramatically, "No you dumb-ass, it just makes my ears bleed."

Their target now looked close to tears. Was she really this weak or was it some sort of trap to lure them into a false sense of security?

"Oh mah gawd, that is, like, the meanest thing anyone has ever said to meeeee!" She wailed suddenly. Tears poured for her eyes but her make-up somehow managing to remain fixed to her skin and lashes. The sight would have been comical if she hadn't just released one of the most powerful shinobi techniques known to ninja-kind. The ear shattering 'Sue-Scream No-Jutsu'.

Roosting birds in the surrounding forest took flight in an attempt to get away from the horrendous noise as the Akatsuki members coward in fear, hands clamped firmly over their ears. Actually only three of the cloaked men had their hands on their ears. Sasori was already pretty immune to loud noises and screeches due to being Deidara's partner. Besides, as he was sat in Hiruko the thick wooden walls of the puppet helped to muffle the screams.

Getting bored of the girl's incessant wails, Sasori shuffled his way over to her, going unnoticed due to her preoccupation with making everyone's ear within a two mile radius bleed. Swiftly raising the puppet's wooden arm and bringing it down sharply on her head (an action he was used to performing on Deidara), Sasori knocked the Princess unconscious and in turn stopped the God-awful noise coming out of her mouth.

"Danna! You saved me!" Deidara exclaimed as he made a running jump towards the huge puppet. Sasori however, pre-empting the move did a quick side step and Deidara ended up face down with a mouth full of soil rather then his expected landing on the wooden figure of Hiruko.

"That was a dirty trick, Danna." The bomber pouted up at his partner who seemed less then bothered. In fact he didn't even look at the blonde.

"So, what do we do with her now? Someone needs to carry her back to the base." The question was directed at Kakuzu who was happily pocketing the girl's jewellery and searching through her bag for other expensive items. However, before he could answer Hidan spoke (or rather yelled) up.

"Hey, don't fucking look at me! Just being this close to someone like her is against the Laws of Jashin." Hidan took a step away from the fallen Princess. The powerful urge to sacrifice something washed over the zealot again but seeing as there was nothing there to kill, Hidan satisfied himself with poking Deidara (who was still lying on the floor at this point) sharply with his collapsible pike.

"Hey, stop that, un! Danna, tell him to stop!" Deidara whined whilst finally pushing himself up off the ground and giving Hidan a shove towards the unconscious girl.

Sasori rolled his eyes at the two grown men arguing like a couple of children. Young children at that.

"Deidara, shut up." Sasori was getting a little impatient from waiting around. This was the most pointless mission he'd ever had to carry out and certainly didn't require all four of them. Leader had obviously decided they had too much free time. Which was a lie.

"Yeah, you too Hidan." Kakuzu was gaining a headache and the urge to tear everyone limb from limb. Now, normally that wouldn't be a problem as he had a masochistic immortal for a partner and even Sasori could cope with his wooden arms being ripped from him but Deidara wasn't quite so hardy.

"I didn't fucking say anything!" Hidan snapped, turning from Deidara giving the blonde an opening to get a swift kick to the shins in which gained a stream of cussing from the Jashinist's mouth.

"Close it before I sew it," was the clipped response he got in return but those few words were enough to silence the silver haired one. He could remember the last time Kakuzu sewed his mouth shut and it was the last time he was ever going to rip those bastard's threads out. The wounds had hurt like a bitch for weeks after.

There was a shuffling sound and the group watched as Hiruko's tail wrapped around their target and placed the body on top of the puppet. Deidara looked practically livid as the Puppet Master began to shuffle in the general direction of what they called 'home'.

"Danna! Why does _she_ get to ride on your back but even after walking for two days solid you won't let me even _rest_ on you?!"

"I am not a fairground attraction, therefore she is not 'riding' on me." Sasori sighed irritably. "Besides, how else are we meant to get her back to base?"

Deidara, ignoring logic as ever, started up an argument with Sasori which managed to last the entire journey back. Well it wasn't really an argument, more Deidara ranting about anything and everything whilst Sasori wondered if slipping poison into Deidara's breakfast would be too obvious.

Kakuzu and Hidan looked on in amusement as the two walked ahead of them.

"You would think they were a married couple, what with all their arguing."

"Ugh, don't fucking start. Finding out about Leader and Konan was bad enough, seriously."

* * *

**A/N:** Sorry guys, I lost the lulz towards the end and it took me an age to update but I guess I'll blame it on being lazy!

Last chapter 11 Mary-Sues were admitted to hospital suffering from 'Non-sparklemagicglitterglitterfluff-itis'. Can we do better this time?


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I Don't Own Naruto.** But I do own Princess Yuki Itami Cindy Lou Raven Sparklypooh. Ha, be jealous suckers!

**A/N:** Next chapter guys, aren't you a lucky bunch? Sorry it's been taking me so long to update everything! It's just I'm about to start a new school and stuff. Plus year 12 has got me worried, so please bear with me! I haven't given up on stuff, I'm just having a break.

* * *

"Oh, it's you again."

"_Aww, you don't sound very happy to hear from me, darling."_

"When are you going to pick it up?"

"_Why, don't you like her?"_

"I'm not even going to dignify that question with an answer."

"_Heh, I knew you'd enjoy__ looking after her for a while."_ A pause while the one on the other end of the line took a slow intake of breath. It sounded like the other person was smoking. _"Fine Pein, we'll be round by the end of the week to pick her up at latest, okay?"_

"What? End of the week that's too long-!" But it was too late as the anonymous voice had already hung up.

"Bloody woman…" Pein growled, setting the phone handset down and glaring at the papers and scrolls scattered on his desk.

"What was that?"

"Nothing Konan! Just a little business." The leader of the Akatsuki called out in that voice that men use to hide things from their wives. Not that Konan was Pein's wife, Hell no. Though he would be if Konan had her way, instead of being convinced that starting a shinobi terrorist organisation was a better way of spending their money then a wedding in the Algarve. So far, she wasn't convinced.

There was a loud crash for the corridor and many shouts. Something about 'the other Brat' and 'get off my fucking arm!'

It was days like this when Pein had second thoughts on forming the Akatsuki. Sighing, he laid his head against the table and closed his eyes, hoping to wake and find this had all been a bad dream.

**Somewhere Else in the Akatsuki Base****…**

"I said get off!" Deidara was fed up. Having this bloody Princess around was like having a smaller, less clumsy, sneakier female version of Tobi. At least with the moronic orange fool you could hear if he was going to creep up on you but this girl, she was like greased lightening, jumping onto your back whilst squealing your name into your ear.

She was, in all honesty, _worse_ then Tobi.

"Deidara-kun!" Princess Yuki stopped pulling on Deidara's hair and looked up into his eyes… Eye… Whatever, and tears formed at the corners of her own. "How can you be so cruel!? I thought we were going to get married!" The few droplets of salty liquid soon turned into a torrent, the end result being a bawling teenager sat on the floor, looking very un-princess-like and incredibly immature.

Safe to say, Deidara wasn't impressed. "You said that to Hidan AND Leader-Sama when you met them too."

"Yes, but Hidan-kun's religion comes between our beautiful love and Pein-kun-"

"That's Leader-sama to you."

"-Is already being misled by that blue-haired cow." Princess Yuki finished, not even noticing Deidara's interjection.

'_Oh no she didn't!_' Deidara thought. He roughly grabbed Princess Yuki by the collar of her clothes and picked her up off the floor so they could see eye to eye.

"Konan-san is one of the greatest Kunoichi's ever and a far better woman then you'll ever be. Don't you dare bad mouth her!" Rage was written across Deidara's face but Princess Yuki was too busy staring into his eyes.

"KYAA! Deidara-kun, you're so hot when you're angry!" Somehow she managed to lean forward just enough to get their lips to touch.

It was unfortunate for Deidara that Hidan had just chosen that precise moment to make his way down the hall.

"Holy shit Blondie! And here I was thinking you were gay!"

"Hidan!" Deidara called, currently attempting to remove the girl from his arm, "Get her the Hell off me!"

"Heh, no-can-do Dei-chan. Touching something like that is against Jashinism and all that, remember?" Hidan said, leaning against the wall with a grin.

"BULLSH-"

"Brat, will you shut up. The whole base can hear you." Deidara found the chunky tail of Hiruko pulling Princess Yuki into the air, towards the puppet until she was staring it in the face. "And you, the temporary brat, stay off my partner. I have to be around him and I don't want him smelling like a flower stand. Though it might be better then mud…"

"Deidara-kun, save me!" She wailed, reaching out to the blonde who simply gave her an incredulous look before turning to walk back to his room. Sasori thought he heard the boy mutter, 'good luck with her, Danna' but dismissed the thought soon after.

"Look here _Princess_, if you don't shut up now not even Leader-Sama will stop me from turning you into a puppet." Sasori glared at the girl in his grasp through Hiruko's eyes, though it slightly dampened the affect he was trying to achieve. The affect being her head exploding from the amount of loathing he was directing towards it. Unfortunately, all he got was a scowl.

"Why should I listen to you? You're just some perverted old man who wants to do terrible things to me!"

Sasori heard a snort of laughter come from behind him. Upon turning the bulky form of Hiruko, Sasori found that Hidan was still lent up against the wall, smirking like no tomorrow. He'd forgotten about the Jashinist for a moment.

"Hidan, get the hell out of here."

"What you gonna do, Stick Dick? Kill me?" Hidan said.

"No, but I could tear off your arms and then replace them with hers." Sasori replied calmly, inclining his head towards the girl caught in his tail, blissfully oblivious to the fact she was being talked about.

Hidan visibly paled and then took off in the opposite direction that Deidara disappeared off to.

'_Now what to do with this?_' Sasori questioned himself. He couldn't leave it wandering around the base as it would probably make a beeline to Deidara. Not that Sasori was jealous of it for stealing a kiss from the blonde male, but rather because he'd rather not have Deidara destroying their shared room.

Suddenly Sasori felt a familiar presence in his mind that wasn't his own.

'_Akatsuki, report to the meeting room. And hurry it up._' A break whilst Leader contemplated something and then, '_Oh and Sasori, bring the hostage._'

'_Oh so it's a 'hostage' now?_' Sasori sighed, walking towards the meeting room whilst ignoring the 'hostage's' protests and demands. '_Leader-sama and his melodramatics…_'

* * *

**A/N: **For all those who have been asking, Itachi will appear in the next chapter!

Last chapter, 8 Mary-Sues were killed. Come on guys, we can do better then that!  
Give a review, kill a 'Sue!


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I Don't Own Naruto.** And if this is what I create out of it, you should probably be thankful.

**A/N: **Have I made you all wait long enough for this? I don't think it's as funny but still, I hope you all enjoy the next instalment of The Chronicles of Princess Yuki Itami Cindy Lou Raven Sparklypooh!

* * *

Everybody was seated around the Very Important Meeting table when Sasori finally arrived, the newest brat in tow. He was 5 minutes late and not a happy bunny.

Whilst passing the kitchen, Princess Yuki had suddenly started moaning about being hungry and not haven eaten for, and let's quote, 'days and days and _daaaays_'. This was despite the fact that she had been captured by the Akatsuki less then forty eight hours ago and had been offered food upon waking, after first arriving.

Rather then doing what most normal people and actually allow the girl to eat, Sasori instead chose to throw her to the ground using Hiruko's tail and drag her to the meeting room. Taking the longest route possible, of course.

By the time Sasori had Hiruko seated at the table, the Princess was bawling in a most unladylike fashion. Konan frowned at Sasori.

"You know she's not Deidara." She said to the puppet. Konan was the only other Akatsuki member, apart from Deidara, who could talk to Hiruko without getting a little antsy about his appearance.

"Yes, of course I realise that." Sasori snapped back. Pein watched the exchange with slight amusement, knowing it was Konan's 'time of the month' and anything could set her off on a rampage. It would be nice for her to target someone other then him this time.

"Good. Then you'll know that you can't treat her the same way you do him."

"I don't know what you're talking about. I would never treat the brat like this." Sasori said, before adding in a barely hear-able whisper, "I can actually stand him." This was whispered because, for Sasori, a confession such as that was akin to a declaration of his undying love for the boy.

Not that he loved him. No, don't even allow the thought to enter your mind. He was the great Akasuna no Sasori. He does not love.

Anyway, so all the Akatsuki members were sat at the table and none of them were at all pleased with the noise Princess Yuki was making. It sounded a little like a cat yowling after a large boot had been thrown at it, all whilst scraping it's claws down a chalk board. Not what Pein needed after his stressful phone called with 'Miss Anonymous'.

"Will you please SHUT THE HELL UP?!" He yelled, shocking all present into silence. Even Zetsu was quiet. Both of him.

Princess Yuki snuffled a little bit but tried her very hardest to stay quiet for the love of her life. Not including Deidara. Or Hidan.

"Right. Does anyone have any ideas about what we can do with this… 'problem'?" He waved an arm in Princess Yuki's general direction. The girl turned around in Hiruko's grip to look behind her.

"We should lock her up." Sasori stated.

"Where do you propose to keep her? Deidara blew up the dungeons on his last tirade." Pein sent a glare at Deidara. So did Kakuzu, but for a completely different reason.

Sasori didn't answer back.

"Any other smart ideas?" The leader sighed. Konan placed a soothing hand on his arm, which he acknowledged with a brief nod.

For the first time in ages, the black haired Uchiha looked up from the table and spoke.

"I believe we should tie her up and keep her in one of the spare rooms. If there are not spares…?" Itachi left a pause whilst his eyes found Deidara's, "…the newest member get a room mate for a week."

"No way, un!" Deidara practically leapt towards the dark haired man to strangle him. "There is no way I'm sharing a room with that!"

"I agree with Dei-chan. That's not just fucking cruel Itachi, that's down right inhumane!" Hidan joined.

However, before the conversation could get any more heated (read: Deidara screaming at Itachi whilst said Uchiha file his nails), Princess Yuki appeared behind Itachi and jumped on to the poor boys back all the while screeching "Cousin Itachi!"

It goes without saying that Itachi would have sharingan'ed the little bitch's ass off there and then, if it hadn't been for Kisame. Damn you Kisame!

"Hey Itachi! Take it easy! We don't get any money if we just kill her!" The beast of a man hauled the still squealing girl off the Uchiha and somehow managed to keep a hold on her.

"But cousin Itachi! Don't you remember me? We used to play tag and run around in the private Uchiha garden with Sasuke and we'd go swimming and everything!" She smiled up at the stoic face with a grin that would melt even the iciest of hearts.

Well, those that didn't belong to the Akatsuki, at least.

"I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about." He concluded, seating himself once more and turning his attention to glaring holes into the table. A task he deemed far more rewarding then talking to the moron of a Princess.

Pein turned to Sasori, shaking his head. This whole thing was turning out to be a lot more complicated then he had first expected.

"How did she get out of you tail?" He asked, for once genuinely puzzled. Sasori stared at what used to be Hiruko's tail but was now a large pile of wood chippings, saw-dust and loose screws. How had that brat done such damage without anyone in the room realising?

"Honestly? I have no idea." Sasori wasn't happy. He hated not knowing things.

And now he had to rebuild Hiruko's tail, too.

* * *

**A/N:** Nine Mary Sues are six feet under, thanks to you guys! This time on 'Give a Review, Kill a 'Sue', every review given will be rewarded with a profile on the 'Sue you've helped rid the planet of! (All made-up, by the way!)

You know you want to hit that button!


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I Don't Own Naruto.** But I have recently bought a Sakura-Face pillow. It is both comfy and good for punching.

**A/N:** No I haven't disappeared! I just went away for a while, but now I'm back and I'm slowly but surely writing again. Next to be updated will be 'Dead or Alive' because I love that fic too much to allow it to die.

**And to all who reviewed:** Thank you so much! I hope you all enjoyed your 'Sues. Please abuse them as much as you wish! Oh, and I'm going to do a little advertising. Rose-Sempai is writing a similar fic to this, set in the Shaman King world. If that sort of thing floats your boat, you might enjoy it!

I've been thinking about making a Mary-Sue bashing community. What do you guys think? Tell me in a review or PM me. Even if I've never spoken to you before, I really don't mind!

Finally, onto the story!

* * *

What everybody forgot when deciding that Deidara should share his room with The Hostage, was that he also shared with one Akasuna no Sasori. Sasori was not in the least bit pleased about sleeping in the same room as Princess Yuki, especially when she started spouting off nonsense like 'let's have a sleepover' and 'I'll paint your nails, Ugly-san!' No, Sasori was not pleased at all.

Which brings us, dear readers, to the two artists' shared bedroom. Princess Yuki was twirling around the figure of Hiruko with a make-up brush, leaving a trail of stardust and flower petals whilst Sasori sat pouting- I mean, glaring inside his puppet. Deidara had locked himself in the bathroom.

"Brat Number Two. You will get take crap off my face or else I will take your face off your skull. Do you understand?" Hiruko looked even more hideous then usual with the thick layers of make-up adorning his face.

"But Ugly-san, I'm only trying to make you look pretty! The way you normally look will never attract girls!" Princess Yuki giggled as she daintily dodged the newly-made scorpion tail of Hiruko and swept a large helping of blusher across the black bandanna covering his face.

"This is getting ridiculous… Deidara! Get you backside out here now and help me!"

"I'm not coming out until It's gone!"

"My God man, you call yourself an Akatsuki? You'll let yourself be defeated by a little girl? One with no ninja training too? You're pathetic." Sasori was hoping that his little speech would annoy Deidara enough to come out and argue with him. Unfortunately for Sasori, his cunning plan back-fired on him slightly.

"Says the guy who's just spent the last twenty minutes trying to avoid a make-up brush, without success?" was the snorted retort he received.

Needless to say, Sasori was not a happy bunny. Scorpling. Whatever.

"Brat! You will get your arse out here now or else God help me, I'll kill you slowly, remove what little brain you have and then use your empty skull as a cereal bowl!"

After that, it didn't take long for Deidara to remove himself from the bathroom and re-enter the room. He was instantly tackled to the ground by an overly enthusiastic female.

"Deidara-kun! I was sooooo worried!" She gripped him tightly around the waist o that he couldn't escape and proceeded to talk about their future wedding plans.

Sasori, however, was more concerned at the rapidly growing pool of water escaping from the bathroom. Upon inspection, he found that the sink had been pulled from the wall and was now lying haphazardly near the door.

"Brat. Did you _barricade_ yourself in there?" He asked, disbelievingly. Surely the blonde wasn't _that_ scared of their new 'roomie'.

A sheepish grin worked it's way across the bombers face.

"Well…"

-

After Kisame had been forced into fixing the broken sink (having a plumbers degree, would you believe?), it was feeding time at the zoo. Also known as dinner with the Akatsuki.

Now to give the members of the Akatsuki their due, they'd never really had to eat neatly or with class so it wasn't exactly their forte. Besides hardened criminals hardly have to stand on ceremony daily, so it was expected that most of them (not including Konan and Itachi, who are too refined to be included and Pein who never ate with the others) were what one might call 'sloppy eaters'.

Readers, welcome to the culinary version of Hell. We'll open with a regular occurrence at the Akatsuki dining table.

"Damn it bitch! Give me the chicken!"

"You're not getting it until I'm done, un! Wait for once Hidan!"

"Waiting's for pussys, gimme the chicken!"

"Hidan don't climb over the table."

"Shut it money whore, I'll do what I want!"

"Tobi will get the chicken for Hidan-san, because Tobi's a good boy!"

"**Tobi sit down, you idiot!** It's best not to get involved."

"Sasori no Danna! Hidan stealing food off my plate!"

"Hidan, touch his food again and I'll pull your intestines out through your throat."

This was quite the norm for the members of the notorious group, however for poor Princess Yuki Itami Cindy-Lou Raven Sparkly Pooh it was a terrible scene. She'd grown up in a palace where she was served three course meals for breakfast and had banquets nightly. She didn't know people lived in such conditions! (Oh, and as for why Princess Yuki was sat with the Akatsuki for dinner and not the other prisoners? She bribed Pein with power and Kakuzu with money. 'Nuff said.)

Konan watched the Princess' face as the younger girl took in the spectacle surrounding her. In the end she took a small amount of pity on the girl and nudge her gently with an elbow.

"They're usually like this. Being a blood-thirsty criminal is hard work which works up an appetite." Konan carried on eating after talking; now watching Hidan wrestle Kisame for the last roast potato. Kisame was winning.

"Oh, the others I can accept but my dear darling Deidara-kun? He's reverted into an animal!" Tears sparkled at the edge of her eyes, threatening to spill at the bat of an eye lash. Konan however was unfazed and simply finished eating before standing to leave the table.

"They're men, they're all animals anyway." And with that she left to do whatever it is she does. Probably sorting out Pein.

And so Princess Yuki was left dumbfounded, in the middle of what look liked World War Three as feared criminals (and two of her future husbands) fought over vegetables, the heir to the Uchiha clan glaring at her and the possibility that she was the one washing dishes tonight.

Since she was the prisoner, after all.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I Don't Own Naruto.** But I'm sure if I look hard enough, I'll find it on eBay at some point.

**A/N:** Merry Late Christmas readers! I hope you have had a fabulous one and have an awesome New Year. As a gift I've got a chapter of 'The Chronicles' for you to read. I hope it helps spread some festive joy!

More Hidan in this chapter? Yes, I think we need a zealot fix.

And of course, Princess Yuki Itami Cindy Lou Raven Sparkly-Pooh returns…

* * *

It was the day after and Princess Yuki still hadn't managed to get the mental images of her beloved Deidara (and Hidan… and Itachi, because she was also developing a crush on her cousin, the sick bitch) completely disregarding etiquette and table manners at dinner the night before. She had had a long talk with Deidara afterwards about it and he agreed not to do it again. (Read: He agreed not to shove his clay down her throat and turn her into art. Yet. And only because Konan threatened him and she can be a scary bitch when she wants to be.)

So today Princess Yuki was sat in the living room of the Akatsuki base watching TV as Deidara and Sasori had been sent on a 'super-duper-awesome-secret-special' mission. Or at least, that's what she called it.

The channel the TV was currently set at was 'Wrestling World Mania' but she wasn't watching it out of choice. Actually, she wasn't watching it at all as opposite her sat the silver haired being of Hidan, eligible bachelor number two.

Hidan wasn't particularly bothered by the presence of Princess Yuki because she was far more infatuated with Deidara, to be frank. Besides, when 'The Best of Smack-Down '07' was on TV, Hidan was oblivious to most of the world outside his own head and the television screen.

"Hidan?"

No answer.

"Hiiiindan-kuuuun?"

Silence.

"Oh mah Gawd! Is that Kakuzu giving away his own money?!"

Nothing but a vague, 'It's Jashin not God, dumb bitch'.

It was through the lack of response that Princess Yuki determined that it was safe for her 'Incredibly Smart, Witty and Totally Foolproof Plan' to go ahead. Quietly, she shuffled towards the sofa Hidan was sprawled across in true 'Sue style, never giving away her position with unnecessary noise. Then with a sudden leap of true love, happiness and spring flowers she landed across Hidan's lap with a beaming smile and little hearts and shoujo sparkles gently floated to the ground.

Now, to say that Hidan hit the roof would be an understatement. It would be far closer that he flew through the roof, soared over the clouds and peaked somewhere in the stratosphere, coming down to kick some serious Princess Yuki Ee-Tacky Cindy Something-or-other Sparkle-shit arse.

"HOLY FUCKING JASHIN ON A FUCKING SANDWICH! ARE YOU JASHIN-DAMN TRYING TO KILL ME, YOU GOOD FOR SHIT-ALL WOMAN?!"

Guess who said that.

"But Hiiidaaan-kuuuun! I only want to hold you and hug you and kiss you and marry you and have your babies and love you and do generally naughty things in private places with you!"

Guess who said that.

"Hidan. If you don't shut the hell up I will personally see to it that you never have any foul-mouthed spawn and that your eyelids are sewn to your cheeks for the rest of your days."

If you couldn't guess who said that, it was Kakuzu. His methods of violence are rather similar to Sasori's, possibly a reason they manage to stand each other for more then five minutes.

But returning to the current situation.

"I swear, I'll have a whole days worth of blood-letting to repent for my sins because of that- that 'It'!"

"Eloquent." Kakuzu entered the room (after having deemed it impossible to repair any of the Akatsuki cloaks with racket going on it the living room) and sent a couple of thick black threads to bind Princess Yuki's legs and arms and to drag her out of Harms (AKA: Hidan's) way. No Kakuzu was not in anyway, shape or form trying to help our darling Sue but he knew that if any harm could to her, their pay would be far less then originally planned. That wasn't going to happen on Kakuzu's watch.

"Hidan-kuuuuun!" Princess Yuki wailed in a generally pathetic way, "Saaaave meeeee!"

But Hidan wasn't there to heed the poor maidens cries! Instead he was already in his sacrificial chamber piercing a few arteries whilst calling "Oh Lord Jashin! Please cleanse my soul from this sparkly, flowery goodness and generally nice and wholesome shit!"

Back in the living room, Kakuzu looked down at the now limp form of Princess Yuki who was currently performing another nigh invincible genjutsu known only to Mary-Sue kind: The 'KAWAII DESOO EYE BEAM' attack. As previously stated, only those with the coldest of hearts or an iron will could deflect such a powerful attack.

Luckily for Kakuzu, he had both these qualities on his side and that was something Princess Yuki had not been counting on. When she saw that her genjutsu was not working, she decided that she needed to go a step further.

'NEEDS MOAR DESOO!' she screamed inside her head and suddenly her eyes became half the size of her head, sparkly and swimming with dreams of a thousand years. Why a thousand years? Well, Princess Yuki Cindy-Lou Raven Sparkly-Pooh is really an ancient Goddess descended from the Heavens a thousand years ago.

But we'll get to that detail in a later chapter. Or maybe I'll forget about it and turn her into an angel. Or the ten-tailed demon. Or an actual 'original character'. But either way, she's part mythical creature that may or may not have something to do with the story.

But Kakuzu didn't know about Princess Yuki's mythical blood. No sir'ee! All he saw was a disgusting creature with abnormally large, watery eyes and far too much mke-up running down it's cheeks.

So what was a Kakuzu to do? He couldn't let this strangely morphed thing loose in the HQ. Zetsu might mistake it for some bizarre foreign cuisine and try to eat it… Or worse! Tobi might find it and decide to keep it as a pet! Bright green eyes widening, Kakuzu did what he thought was best for both him and the rest of the Akatsuki. He threw Princess Yuki, kicking and screaming, into one of the empty safes in his room and hoped she wouldn't die if he locked the door tightly.

Because of this, it was evident that Kakuzu never kept a pet as a child.

* * *

**A/N: **Oh I love Hidan and Kakuzu! Not together though, because I think it cheapens the bizarre partnership they have. They bicker like brothers or long-time childhood friends. Both know that the other will never really take offence at the various insults they hurl around. Seriously, their worse then a couple of teenage girls!

64 Sues down… One hell of a lot more to go! A big thank you to all who have reviewed so far and another thanks to anyone who reads this! Every hit means something to me!


	8. Chapter 8

The rest of the week went by in a similar fashion. Princess Yuki was generally annoying the hell out of anyone and everyone that came within a hundred feet of her, Sasori was busy being a moody bitch, Deidara just tried his hardest to stay hidden (not one of his stronger points) and everyone else left them to it.

Pein had kindly forgotten to mention the day when It was being picked up and so when Deidara woke to a significant lack of squeals, wedding plans and bone crushing hugs he was understandably worried. Don't get him wrong, he was happy beyond belief that the little shit was gone, but worried that she'd escaped.

If she _had_ ran off somewhere they wouldn't get their money and nobody wanted to face Kakuzu when they hadn't been paid for an honest weeks kidnapping and hostage-holding.

Luckily, Pein decided to inform them all that Princess Yuki Itami Cindy Lou Raven Sparkly-Pooh was gone for good over breakfast. Hidan swore in a positive way, Kakuzu demanded to know how much they got for her, Zetsu munched on something that probably shouldn't be mentioned, Sasori shot glares at Pein having still not forgiven him for the whole escapade and Deidara was oddly thoughtful.

Konan had done the smart thing and had left half-way through the week to go and relax at female-only spa. She was fed-up with all the testosterone flying about, to be _quite_ frank.

"Well, thank Jashin for that." Hidan started, partially chewed eggs flying from his mouth. "I thought we'd never see the back of that fucker."

"Meh, I barely noticed her." Kisame said.

"That's because you were barely mentioned in this entire piss-up of a fic!" came the eloquent retort of the Jashinist, along with another line of expletives after a sharp hit to the head by Kakuzu.

"Mind the fourth wall, moron."

Finally, after seemingly ages, Deidara piped up with "Does anyone know where Tobi is? I haven't seen him since half way through chapter six, and even then he was quiet."

"I think the authoress forgot about him," Sasori guessed "Not that anyone cares."

"Nah, I guess not." The blonde let it go and instead occupied himself with fighting Hidan for the last sausage (which Zetsu ended up getting).

**In the underbelly of FanFiction . net**

A cry came from one of the stockrooms at the very back of , a sort of sadistic laughter following it. A couple of girls walked past it's door, one with her arms laden with Draco/Harry slash and the other trying to balance Man and Death Note fics. They shared a look which clearly showed the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy that the different fandoms had taken up in relation to each other and then hurried away quickly to their respective parts of the net.

Everyone knew that the fangirls in the Naruto Fandom could be quite vicious sometimes. Well, that or bat-shit crazy.

Inside the small room it was dark with just the light of a laptop spilling out a blue hue onto the multiple faces of those in the room. One girl was lent against a table, smirking at another who was tied to a chair in the centre of the room. There was nothing notable about her apart from the smirk she wore on her lips, accented by the newly lit cigarette which slowly let poisoned curls into the air.

"Now I'm sure that hurt, right Princess?"

The girl in the chair simply nodded, keeping her gazed fixed to the floor.

"If you don't want it to happen again, you'll listen up and keep your mouth shut, got it?" Another girl with longer hair, holding a nasty looking baseball bat, said.

The one tied down looked up and shouted "Why are you doing this? Who are you?" Her cheeks sported tear tracks, her purple eyes were red and puffy and a long bruise stretched over her face. She was no longer a vision of loveliness, that was for sure.

The one by the table laughed, the sound grating on the Princess' ears.

"You may refer to me as Jay. Or JF. It changes, not that it matters to you, mind. As for why we're doing this… You could say that we hate you and the ones like you, but that would be far too easy." She inhaled a breath of smoke before exhaling in the girl's face. The 'Princess' cough violently before getting a kick in the shins, effectively shutting her up.

"But we could spend all day beating you up and it wouldn't do a thing. Besides, different time zones don't really allow it, right Chi, Lazzy, Rose?" The others nodded. "Right so, instead we're going to make a few 'adjustments'." She took the laptop and turned it so the girl tied down could see what was being written.

"So, who wants to start?"

-

_'Good Evening, this is the FanFiction news. A few hours ago the staff in the Anime/Manga section of the site found a distraught young woman in one of the stockrooms. She claims to be a Ninja Princess who was found by some jealous girls who kidnapped her and rewrote her character to be 'well-rounded' and 'original'. The girl was ordinary looking with mousey blonde hair and had braces. She wore jeans and a t-shirt. It is unconfirmed but early reports suggest she is another in a wave of Mary-Sues that taken over the site. In other news, with the release of the new Harry Potter film, Snarry slash is up three points…'_

_-_

**Whilst In The Scooby-Doo Section**

"And the villain is…" The bright orange and black swirled mask was lifted, "_Uncle Madara_!?"

"_And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for-_"

"Whoa, hold up there. Erm, does anyone speak Japanese here…?"

* * *

**A/N:** And so ends the story of Princess Yuki. I'm very sorry for the incredible cop-out of a chapter that this is, but I didn't want to leave it hanging! I do that far too often and I really enjoyed writing this story, so here you go.

I'd like to thank everyone who reviewed this terror of mine and to anyone who alerted, faved or just plain read it too! Hoped you enjoyed it as much as I did.


End file.
